


if I stood tall it would be in your name

by LostOnMyRoad



Series: Sky above and city below [3]
Category: Fantastic Four, Marvel, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Grief/Mourning, Johnny-centric, M/M, Not MCU compliant, This poor boy, be warned i am not a comic buff, but don't worry there's a happy ending!, drawing mostly from the ultimates comics verse, how does one tag, i have absoluetly no idea how accurate this is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-11
Updated: 2019-02-11
Packaged: 2019-10-26 12:41:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17746082
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LostOnMyRoad/pseuds/LostOnMyRoad
Summary: Peter dies, young and scared and Johnny’s best friend. He feels like his heart has been ripped out of his chest.Peter’s last words keep taking rounds in his head, and he imagines them with his dumb smile. God, he’d smiled for them, even at the very end.Johnny wants to cry.He can’t help but think that Peter may have committed the ultimate sacrifice, but it was everyone around him that paid the price.....Peter dies, and Johnny deals with the aftermath.(Based off of the events of The Death of Spider-man and the Ultimates comics-verse)





	if I stood tall it would be in your name

**Author's Note:**

> Because the world lost a hero that night, and Johnny lost more.

Peter dies, young and scared and Johnny’s best friend. He feels like his heart has been ripped out of his chest.

 _Don’t you see? I saved you. I did it._ Peter’s last words keep taking rounds in his head, and he imagines them with his dumb smile. God, he’d smiled for them, even at the very end.

Johnny wants to cry.

He can’t help but think that Peter may have committed the ultimate sacrifice, but it was everyone around him that paid the price.

…

In the aftermath, he’ll always think of Peter as the boy laughing with him on a rooftop, mask of the Spider-man costume pushed up to his nose, practically inhaling pizza.

He thinks back to one night out of many spent on rooftops and skylights. They’d been laughing, and the grin on Peter’s face had lit up the night sky brighter than his flames ever could have.

He fell in love that night, and never said anything because he was scared.

And now he’ll never get the chance.

…

 _Wake up, Peter. Come on, this isn’t funny. Get up,_ he’d yelled. Except it was too late. Everyone was too late. The Avengers, the ambulance, and Johnny himself. All too late.

He had checked for a pulse and found none. He’d felt the anger and tidal wave of grief clench in his chest.

He doesn’t cry when Peter dies, as everything falls to pieces. He cries when Aunt May approaches him and he tells her he can’t stay. She nods and pulls him close. She’s started crying again, and Johnny feels awful, but he can’t stay. It would be salt on an open wound. They hold each other for a moment, trying (and failing) to hide their tears, and then Johnny’s out the window and out of the Parker’s lives for good (or so he thinks).

…

He’d tried so hard to help. Johnny had fought with Peter for so long that they were coordinated in a way that Sue and Reed were. He’d never thought they would lose the fight.

Even when he wasn’t using his Spider-sense Peter had always been ridiculously tuned in to Johnny’s movements.

And yet Johnny couldn’t help him at all.

Guilt is not a new feeling for him, but it’s never been this heavy before.

…

He goes to the funeral in disguise. He pulls a hoodie over his clothes and makes sure the drawstrings are secure before going. It’s one of Peter’s, stolen out of spite, and never returned. Peter had probably forgotten it had even been his at some point. It’s soft and worn, and almost feels like a hug.

He gets to the church, watching the huge crowd. Peter always calls himself the ‘friendly neighborhood Spider-man’, except his neighborhood had grown to be an entire freaking city. _Had called himself,_ Johnny corrects himself. Had.

He has to keep reminding himself to use the past tense, to remember, to not turn around and expect someone to be there.

The crowd is pressed around him, but he’s never felt so alone.

  _I don’t think you’d like this funeral very much,_ he tells an imaginary Peter. _Too many people. Socializing that much would probably be bad for you._

Peter would have elbowed him in the gut for a comment like that, before letting a small laugh escape. He pretended to hate Johnny’s jokes, but he always laughed.

All Johnny has right now is barely held back tears, instead of Peter’s easy smiles. He lingers towards the back of the crowd.

If he gets closer, he’ll cry for sure. The illusion of distance is the only barrier between him and his tears at this point.

He can see May and Gwen. They look worn, like Johnny feels.

There are speeches. Johnny listens to them all with the kind of attention Reed used to wish he would use during one of his lectures.

The day passes like a blur. The funeral reaches its end and soon he’s one of the last people milling around. It’s dark, so he takes advantage of the cover to slip into the cemetery. They’ve increased the security, but Sue had managed to drill enough stealth mission training into him that he reaches the headstone with no problem.  

And, as much as he tries, no words come out. They’re stuck, somewhere in a brighter past. So, he just lingers by the headstone for a few minutes, before reaching out to trace the engravings with his finger. This is his goodbye. He doesn’t come back to the headstone again.

He thinks about going back sometimes, lets his feet take him halfway there, and then turns around each time and tries to forget.

He wanders through the city for a while, and then runs into Kitty and decides to follow her to a new home.

…

So, he joins another group of superheroes. Kitty Pryde and the rest of her group help fill some of the void.

He goes on missions, he’s happy, and he has a family again. Nobody brings up Peter. He’s a ghost between him and Kitty, and they both know he’s there. They don’t talk about him.

Every so often in a fight, he’ll be waiting for Spider-man’s quips and jokes.

It takes him a while to shake the habit.

He tries to joke with the villains himself, but he’s never had Peter’s creativity when it comes to terrible puns.

He stops and tries to unlearn all the habits he’d learned with Peter.

One night, though, he’s catching up on the news and he finds articles mourning one year since Spider-man’s death. He’s not really thinking. The articles turn into ash so easily, gray dust under his fingernails.  

It’s only then that he notices Kitty. She crosses her arms and gives him a once over, and Johnny just stands there.

“You still miss him,” she says softly, leaning on the wall. Johnny turns away. It’s been a year, but the name Peter Parker still hurts.

She half shoves him back through the tunnels and into his room and makes sure he gets into bed. She pauses like there’s something she wants to say as she heads out the door, then closes her mouth. Kitty gives him a faint smile and turns away.

They don’t talk about it, and Johnny more or less goes back to normal. Whatever normal means. He guesses that in his case it means that teenage girls don’t have to drag him out of his bad decision-making process at 2am.

…

He’d spent so long at the Parker’s house, it felt like, that the habits remained no longer what he did. His hair has grown out by now, and its back to its original blond. It feels strange, after so long without it.

He hadn’t missed the face Peter had made when he’d walked out of the bathroom after dying his hair.  

Peter had a thing for blonds, he’s pretty sure. He’d been head over heels for Gwen Stacy. Then again, he’d been like that for M.J. And there was whatever happened with Felicia. Peter, for all his awkward fumbling, had really been a hit with the ladies.

Apparently, he’d been a hit with Johnny Storm too.

…

The new Spider-man’s a good kid. He doesn’t hang around the kid for long, because while it doesn’t hurt to see him (anymore) Johnny knows there’s only a matter of time before he slips up and says something he regrets. He gives the kid intel when he can and helps him punch out a few goons every now and then.

The kid asks him once, if he knew the old Spider-man. If he knew Peter Parker. _If only you knew,_ he thinks. He nods, letting a smile ghost across his lips.

Spider-man hunches in on himself. Johnny sighs softly, before putting a hand on his shoulder.

“You’re doing fine, kid.” Deep breath. “He would have liked you.”

They don’t bring it up again, but the kid tells him his name a few meetings later. Miles Morales. He’s got a soft spot for the kid.

It’s been two years, and the name Peter Parker does not hurt, but it still stings.

…

It’s on the news. It’s blaring out of the tinny speakers of the cracked TV in the run-down bar he’s in.

“Spider-man spotted…New York…imposter…sources confirm it is Peter Parker…or a clone…”

The speakers give one final burst of static before dying. Johnny’s already got his coat on by then. He slams the money down on the counter and he’s gone.

His mind is blank. Hope seems like too much. If it wasn’t Peter, he was going to go out of his mind. He’s moving fast, too fast, the city blurring around him, but he knows to follow the path of destruction, because Peter would always be at the end of it. (Until it killed him, the bastard.)

He stops when he sees the familiar red and blue. Spider-man stares back at him, and he can tell that he’s been noticed by the way the Spider’s posture shifts.

Johnny opens his mouth to say something, anything. Nothing comes out.

Peter (it better be Peter) moves closer, until there’s only a foot of space between them.

Johnny finally gets the words out, only they’re not the ones he wants to say. _You idiot,_ he wants to say. _I’m sorry I couldn’t save you. Thank you._

But this isn’t his Peter, so all he gets out is a soft “It’s you.” And that’s it. That’s all he’s got. From silence at the headstone to meaningless words to his face. After all this time and waiting.

But Spider-man’s shoulders sag. He pulls off his mask. It’s Peter, a few years older for some reason, but still very much the idiot he knew.

“Hey, Johnny.” It sounds cautious, like he knows just how far away from ok Johnny is. He can’t peel his eyes away. Everything in the background has faded away, from Miles hovering a few feet away to Nick Fury watching them from his van.

“Johnny,” Peter says again.

He finally drops his gaze. It’s too overwhelming. Peter puts a hand on his shoulder.

“I’m sorry,” he finally whispers, and Peter’s expression instantly changes into something much sadder.

“Don’t be. Look, I’m not your Spidey, but I can tell you he wouldn’t blame you, flame brain.” The nickname gets a smile out of him. Peter grins back, although his eyes are still miserable. “From what I’ve heard, you did a great job. My Johnny would have done the same.”

Johnny looks up at “my Johnny.”

“Alternate universe,” Peter explains, rubbing the back of his head sheepishly.

Johnny just nods. Honestly, nothing could surprise him anymore.

There’s some movement in his peripheral vision, and he turns to see Fury placing a hand on Spider-man’s shoulder. Peter nods.

“I have to go,” Peter whispers. He squeezes Johnny’s shoulder before turning away.

That’s when all the grief from the past few months crashes down on him again and he grabs Peter by the hand, pulling him close, and presses their foreheads together.

“I love you.”

It comes out quiet and shaky, but Peter still hears it. He closes his eyes and just lets the moment sink in. Johnny doesn’t kiss him, because this isn’t his Peter and never will be, but he wants one touch, one embrace, anything.

For a moment, this is his world: the two of them in a New York Street, eyes closed.

“I didn’t know,” Peter whispers. “And all this time I thought I was the only one pining.” Johnny doesn’t open his eyes. Instead he takes a deep breath.

“Yours probably loves you too. He just won’t ever say it because he’s an idiot. You’re the bigger idiot though.” His voice breaks on the last sentence, and Peter bites his lip.

They pull away from each other. Peter looks thoroughly shaken now, but he still nods at Johnny.

“We’re both idiots,” he acknowledges. “I’ll tell him.” _That I love him_ goes unspoken.

Then he’s gone, and the only thing that proves he was ever there is the warmth of Johnny’s skin.

Miles puts a hand between his shoulder blades for a moment, and Johnny remembers doing the same for him earlier.

…

Things go back to normal after that, for a bit, but all Johnny can think about is a world in which Peter Parker had called Johnny his, and he wants to find it. But he knows he never will, so he just holds the moments he’d had, old and new, close to his heart.

God, he misses his Peter so much.

…

He goes back to work. Something had slipped into place, seeing Peter again. He burns bright. He remembers the questions the interviewers used to ask him. _Why be a hero?_

He has a reason to add to the list. Peter Parker. He stands tall for Peter Parker.

…

Later, after he saves the kids, gets captured by SWAT teams, gets tortured, and then ends up in the hospital, he wakes up and wonders why nobody stays for long. They leave, or they die, and Johnny’s left to try and hit the ground running.

Then he gets mind controlled by the Maker. His life can’t get any weirder. There’s a big battle, they save the universe.

He burns bright, like a sun, like a star. Peter had said he was a sight to see, going nova.

He stands tall. He burns bright.

They save Peter Parker.

It was all worth it. They saved Peter Parker.

...

Peter Parker is back. Somehow, the destruction of the universe had undone enough things that he’s here.

As soon as he notices, he’s running towards Peter, who looks faintly confused.

“Johnny,” he says, young and so very _alive._

Johnny cups his face in his hands and pushes their foreheads together, and just breathes.

“You’re here,” he whispers. “you’re here.”

He can feel Peter’s brow creasing, and then his hands patting him on the back.

“Are you ok, bud? I think you—”

Johnny kisses him, and Peter, after a moment of shock, kisses back.

Peter finally seems to grasp the gravity of the situation, using his thumbs to wipe away the tears in Johnny’s eyes.

“Hey,” he whispers softly. “I’m here now.”

And Johnny collapses, leaning his weight on Peter until they’re on their knees on the ground, his face buried in Peter’s shoulder and Peter’s arms around him.

He thinks back to the other Spider-man, and the other Johnny, and decides he wants to take this chance. He wouldn’t be the Johnny who was too scared to try, in this world. He hopes distantly that the other universe’s Peter had told his version of Johnny the truth.

…

Later, when they’re sitting on a rooftop, mask pulled up to his nose, Peter grins around his slice of pizza.

When Johnny’s finished with his, he sits there for a moment, legs dangling off the edge, silent.  

The Ultimates have already offered an invitation for Spider-man to join, which Peter had accepted. There’d been a long night where Johnny had explained everything he’d missed, including the destruction of the universe.

“I can’t leave you,” Peter had said, “Can I? The moment I leave the universe implodes.”

Johnny had elbowed him and let their impromptu wrestling match turn into a kiss.

Johnny leans back, resting his weight on the palms of his hands, staring into the night sky.

He thinks back to that night at the gravestone, the articles he’d burned, and the hole he’d had in his heart ever since he’d checked for a dead boy’s pulse. He thinks back to a different Spider-man, older.

Peter’s finished his slice and is stretching, almost cat-like.

He pulls Peter by the front of his costume and lets their foreheads touch. He thinks about never letting go.

The kiss feels like coming home.

  

**Author's Note:**

> As always validation is appreciated!
> 
> Come talk to me at my tumblr, I have the same username


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